最近、けんたが落ち着かない。
小さなことで癇癪を起こしたり、状況が変わると、すぐに切り替えられなくて怒り出したり…。
ある日は、何を言っても聞かなくなり、こんなことを言いました。
「おかあさんっていうのは、産んだひとのことをいうんだよ。それがふつうだよ。オレはどうして生まれてきたんだろう、生まれてこなきゃよかったよ。」
けんたは私の愛情を確かめているのだ．．．そう分かっているのに、つい
「育てた人は、お母さんじゃないのね。じゃ、ママはけんたのお母さんじゃないのね！」
などと言ってしまう自分に自己嫌悪．．．。
「ママだって、けんちゃんのこと産みたかったのよ。」
「だったら、今から子供を産んだらいいじゃん！それで、オレのこと捨てたらいいじゃん！」
けんたはそう言って、私に抱きついて泣きました。しばらく泣くと、すっきりしたのか、いつものやさしいけんたに戻って、うれしそうに甘えてきました。
ケンカのときの感情的な言葉に深い意味はない、ただ怒っていることを精一杯表現しているだけ…分かっているつもりでも、少し大人びてきたけんたの言葉は私の心に突き刺さってきます。
(Even though we may know in our head “We can do this or we can do that,” there are times when we have difficulties in accepting whole heartedly the child who tests us straightforwardly. This is why we have to think beforehand how we should react in these situations. How do you think you might behave then?)
Recently Kenta is very unsettled. He gets in a fit of temper at something very small. He gets mad easily when the situation changes, and he has difficulties in adjusting to it.
One day he refused to listen to anything I said, and he said that the mother must refer to the person who bore the child. That’s the usual thing. Then how was I born? It would have been better that I was not born.
I knew that Kenta was just testing my love, but I hated myself for saying without really meaning that I who raised you is not your mother? mama is not your real mother?
Mama really wanted to bear you. Then you yourself still can bear a child. Then you can abandon me. After saying these things he embraced me crying. He kept crying for a while and must have felt better. He went back to his usual gentle Kenta and began to behaved in a spoilt manner.
The words exchanged during a fight do not have deep meanings. They are just telling that the individual concerned are really angry. The expressions of a little grown up Kenta really touched my heart.